Critic's Review
In an area where Houston's is universally considered the place to go for a big night out, Pompano Beach is trying to establish an upscale area down at the beach. There's a pier under construction; this restaurant is the only thing open so far.
So when the original owner of the always horrible Grille 401 and recently closed Pinon Grill builds a big restaurant on the beach, what could go wrong?
Let's invest $Millions in a restaurant and call it "Beach House Pompano". Almost as bad as "Grille" followed by the restaurant's street number.
It started out badly as there is no parking lot for the restaurant; there's a garage across the street and metered street parking down the road a bit. I took a chance and drove by and found a spot a short distance away. But I had no singles; these parking machines don't give change so you can't put in a 5 or 10. I had a bunch of change in the car but the machine just ate the change. $2.10 / hour to park and it eats change. Great way to get people to come to your city. I ended up having to use my CC.
They have 2 dour girls working at the hostess stand, and it takes them forever to seat each party. There was one party of 6 in front of me, and they had to scan the entire restaurant to find a place for them. Meanwhile I'm waiting. I decided to use the bathroom which was right there; when I came out someone else had come in and was seated before me; I know the girl had seen me as she'd acknowledged me before I went into the restroom.
Finally it was my turn. "Can I help you?", she asked. "1 for lunch", I quipped. "Would you like to sit at the bar?", she asked. To which I responded:
If I wanted to sit at the bar would I have waited for 10 minutes at the hostess stand, you stupid bitch?
Ok, well that's what I wanted to say, but I didn't put it exactly that way. "Something with a view, please".
This is what I got:
Not sure why she didn't seat me outside; I'd read about flies and wind so I didn't argue. A server came by and asked if I wanted a beverage and I ordered an iced tea.
Half of the items on the menu are "Market Price", and my server didn't reveal the "Fresh catch". After dropping off the iced tea she scampered away, so I couldn't ask her anything.
If you've been following the news, you know that plastic straws are now public enemy number 1 of the environmentalists, and like it or not, the paper straws have arrived.
Takes some getting used to, but it seemed to hold up ok.
My server came back "Do you have any questions?". I asked about the catch of the day and she rattled off some specials including a swordfish special; how about telling me those right off instead of 10 minutes after giving me a menu? Incompetence reigns. The Fresh Catch was striped bass and was $29 for the plate, so I wasn't up for that. I'd seen pictures of many of the dishes in online reviews and had ruled out many of them; I just ordered the clams.
"Sunny Hours" played on the sound system. A group of cretins behind me left so i could get a wide shot".
It was like 20 minutes before they cleared the table.
There's a reason I don't like to lunch at the bar; Most places don't staff the bar properly and this bar wasn't particularly comfortable; unless you know there's a comfortable bar like at the Capital Grille, you don't want to eat at the bar.
They had 1 server in this inside/outside bar and she spent most of her time outside. The bar here sucks rocks.
No bread at the table; the new cash-centric restaurants don't do bread. The clams came out in 9 minutes.
15 clams for $15. The clams were just dropped off; no garbage bowl. According to the menu, the clams were loaded with andouille sausage, shallots and garlic.
As I dug into these I thought 2 things; why wasn't I given a garbage plate and why wasn't there any bread. It was about this time that I decided to dig into the broth. Lo and behold, the bread was submerged in the liquid.
The bread was totally waterlogged; Yum, nothing like soggy bread. What's the point of "grilled french bread" if you're going to submerge it in liquid. The bread was completely ruined by kitchen incompetence.
I figured out that I could use the plate under the bowl for the clam shells. Typically a restaurant will give you a bowl for the shells but maybe they had another plan here.
The "meat" didn't really taste like Andouille; Andouille is a spicy sausage that doesn't do well on it's own. This wasn't spicy at all; there was a lot of it at the bottom of the bowl; what was I supposed to do, eat spoonfuls of it?
The clams themselves were done about right, a couple of rubbery ones but that's to be expected.
When I'd finished my server was nowhere to be found. She was serving the table next to me so I find it impossible that she didn't notice my empty glass and empty bowl.
When she finally did come by she asked about dessert or coffee; not even the lame, too late offer of a refill for my iced tea. That cost her $1.
Pay the bill and out the door, never to return.
Conclusion
I've eaten in over 1500 places down here and once in a while I just feel unwelcome, and this was one of these places. From the moment I walked in I encountered employees just going through the motions. The "Brimestone" group is good at creating big, cold, unwelcoming restaurants; they've succeeded here once again. I didn't know who owned it before I went; when I was writing up the review I said to myself "What rich person built this giant horrible place". I should have known.
From the menu you'd think this place was some sort of overpriced beachside shack, but it reminds me more of Quarterdeck in Dania Beach than some Dune Road Eatery in Hampton Bays.
I've gotten pretty good at judging food prowess from menu descriptions and pictures, and there's a lot of bad looking stuff on this menu. The tacos look to be avoided; the shrimp and grits is an incompetent mess. Caesar salad? AVOID. The $9 NE Clam Chowder looks like something left over from the old log cabin restaurant days. The crab cakes? No. The only lobster roll on the menu is a Sushi roll.
$9 for a slice of key lime pie. Let me know how it is.
The restaurants that aren't bad are mostly massively overpriced. Restaurants with a goal of ripping off their customers don't get a good review from me.